|Held at gunpoint....
||[Sep. 8th, 2005|04:05 pm]
|||||utterly lost in thought||]|
|||||White Zombie "Black Sunshine"||]|
My girlfriend is currently standing behind me, peering over my right shoulder, to make sure I update. If I fail to do so I think she might kill me...or worse...deprive me of sex. JK. I kiiiiid, I kiiiid!!!! Okays...I write stuff.....
I spoke to Erin online the other night (or for her, nearly noon the next day). I must say that I was surprised that she messaged me. Needless to say, I was quite happy to hear from her. On a related note, I've found myself missing people lately- Katrina, Erin, Jen, Megan (in Japan!!!!), etc. Maybe it's because I know that I won't see any friendly faces when I go back to R-MWC. However, this is not to say that I regret leaving when I did. Leaving was the best thing for me to do, and, in doing so, I met the love of my life. I don't know why I even started talking about this....
Other stuff: In my last entry, I mentioned that my physics class might kill me. I am happy to say that my initial impression was incorrect. It is the one class I look forward to attending. I am sick of psychology (especially FREUD, about whom our class discussions have been). Okay, my last statement isn't entirely true. I am not sick of psychology as a whole but rather am sick of the mundane classes I find myself taking. Clinical psychology has no appeal to me anymore, and I suppose it never really did. In retrospect, a common theme has dominated my interests- criminals.
I want to study criminals. However, I only want to study select groups- those who have perpetrated violent offenses...especially those who can be categorized as psychopaths. I love forensics...be it forensic psychology (criminology) or criminalistics. There is a nexus between these two fields. If you understand the psychopath, you can understand a crime scene...you can understand the mind of a psychopath.
I don't know why such things peak my interest. Is it because one of my darkest fears is that I may one day fall victim to that which I fear? Have my past experiences as a "victim" left me scarred- left me with the fear that I am trapped and helpless? Furthermore, is it the fear that I will be unable to help myself in a dangerous situation or the fear that I will be unable to help someone close to me (God forbid)? Or, from a totally different standpoint, is it that I want to understand the world at depths that most people cannot fathom? It could be a combination of both. However, I think the latter fits the best. Why I think this: I have always been "that girl"- the one who shies away from the rest of society to watch its ills from a distance. I have always been the one watching, observing things that others cannot see. Some people have called me a freak, and I'm sure others would agree. However, others have told me that it's a gift. Some of those who call it a gift have criticized me for keeping my thoughts to myself. Maybe they have a point. Maybe people want to see what I see. It just seems like they don't want to see it. Maybe ignorance really is bliss for most people, and maybe ignorance is merely another word for optimism--> It has been said that optimism is just a defense mechanism for those who cannot accept the negative...those who have to IGNORE its existence. On the other hand, others have said that pessimism is a defense against disappointment. I'm not sure whether or not either of the above statements are accurate. I don't think that much can be gleaned from from such elementary comparisons, but I do see validity in both theories.
I think that most people convince themselves that everything is okay (because they can't or do not want to acknowledge the negative)...that people don't hurt one another out of greed, anger, fear, hatred (fear and hatred sorta go together), etc...that there aren't people preying on the young and the weak...that we don't live in a power hungry country led by men who start wars under the guise of liberating oppressed peoples when imperialistic greed is the real motivation...that none of this really exists... PLEASE note that this is not to say that I only see bad things. I AM able to find ALOT OF GOOD in the world. The world's response to the earthquake and subsequent tsunami that devastated people in and near Indonesia illustrate the good within the human race as a whole. This can also be seen in the wake of the recent hurricane as countries such as England, France, Germany, Australia, Japan, and a country (I can't remember its name), with whom the United States was recently in conflict, have donated several millions of dollars and supplies to help with the relief effort. I also see good all around me....
Okay, I just realized that this is another one of my infamous tangents...I start thinking about one thing but end up talking about everything.... IN ESSENCE, I AM BORED. I want to do something interesting, something that might actually make a difference. Sure, I could spend the next ???? years of my life trying to help people solve their problems. I would want to help children and teenagers, but it would be pointless and unfulfilling as most of my clients would be seeing me because their parents forced them to. I know from personal experience that you cannot help those who do not want to be helped. It is only those who want help that might find something relevant in therapy. In understanding psychopaths, we would be able, in my opinion, to improve the world. If we understand what makes a psychopath a psychopath it might be possible to change the futures of coming generations of would be psychopaths- intervene before it's too late.
OMFGWTF 70 73h m4XX0rz!!!! *_* My brain is mush... I'll try to make this more concrete....I hope this doesn't cause anyone to have an aneurysm....